Friday, September 30, 2011


I had my first (and hopefully only) follow up appointment today. They did some blood work to see where my hormone levels are at. If they are down to 0, then I don't have to do anything anymore. If they're not, then I have to go back for more blood work every week or 2 until they are down to 0.

I've been really stressed lately. But I was thinking and in the last 3 months, I've been through SO much. I've had a job interview, got a job offer, found out we were expecting, started working my new job, lost the baby, and had surgery. On top of that, there's been some conflict at work that's needed to be dealt with. It makes me feel exhausted just thinking about it.

But, today I trimmed a bush with some hedge trimmers. That felt AMAZING! I think I either need to destroy some more things or go on a vacation :)

Friday, September 23, 2011

Remembering You

Mark and I are doing well. I actually am very proud with how well I'm doing. I still think of Baby G EVERY single day (multiple times a day). But, I've accepted what has happened and know there's a reason. I will always love our baby. Mark actually got me a really pretty mother's necklace. It has the March birthstone on it. I wear it everyday. It's very comforting to me. We're going to get an angel ornament this year for our Christmas Tree. It will be something that we can always have to put up to keep Baby G in our hearts. I found this poem and thought it was just perfect.

Remembering You

We thought of you today,
But that is nothing new
We thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow, too.
We think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know.
Remembering you is easy,
We do it everyday.
It's the heartache of losing you 
That will never go away.

Friday, September 16, 2011

2 Weeks

It's been 2 weeks since we found out that we lost Baby G. It feels like an eternity has passed. It's hard to see new moms with their babies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. But I can't help to think that that should have been us.

I'm doing much better than I thought I would be doing at this point. I still cry everyday. But it's easier to move on when I start feeling down.

There's a lot of tension going on at work right now. So, I'm going through all the hormonal changes, plus losing our baby, plus work crap that really doesn't even matter in the big scheme of things. But, I've got a GREAT support group with our families. So, I know I'll keep trudging through it all.

We're still not ready to do the whole hanging out with friends thing. I just don't know if I can take the constant, "How are you doing," or "Are you okay." It's nothing personal against anyone. But I don't know if I'll really ever be ready to talk about these feelings with anyone but Mark, my family, and my nearest, dearest friends. I don't want to have to look into faces that are full of pity. It's just a reminder of what was lost.

So, if we politely turn down an outing, don't take offense. We'll be ready someday, but we still need our time :)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Lessons from Baby G

We only got to have 13 weeks with our baby. In that time I learned so much. I quickly learned that Altoids were my best friend :) I learned what it felt like to truly care for someone else. My favorite thing to do was to find out how big Baby G was and what he/she would have been learning and developing that week.

But, the biggest thing I learned was that I could love deeper than I ever thought possible. Not only did I love Baby G with every fiber of my being, I also fell deeper in love with Mark. We've been together for almost 9 years and I finally understand what people mean when they say they love their spouse more and more everyday. Before the pregnancy ended, I would tell Mark goodnight and that Baby G and I loved him very much. He would kiss my tummy and tell me how much he loved us. Since Baby G has been gone, I feel so much closer to him than I have during our entire relationship.

This whole thought process led me to the fact that the only thing Baby G knew in this life was love. He will never have to feel fear, sadness, anger, hate, malice, or pain. He only knew and will always know love. That's the greatest gift Mark and I could have ever given him. Now Baby G is in Heaven and only knows God's love and that's far greater than Mark and I could ever give.

I like to think that Baby G is able to watch us from above and see how close he made his mommy and daddy. He provided us with so much happiness when we got to spend that brief time together. We loved him with everything we have and will continue to love him as long as we live. When he left us, he took a piece of our hearts and that spot will ALWAYS be his.

If I could talk to him for 5 minutes, I would tell him that we love him so incredibly much that there are no words to describe it. I would also tell him that we're going to be okay. He provided a bond for Mark and I that can never be broken. We're making it through this together and can't wait to spend eternity in Heaven with him.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

More prayers, please

We're going to need some more prayers tomorrow. We are having to have a D & C. Baby G has been gone for over 5 weeks now. My body isn't showing any signs of recognizing that the pregnancy is no longer viable. Mark and I are having a hard time just waiting for things to happen naturally. It feels like we can't move on because we are still carrying our baby. 

Here is the somewhat grey timeline. It's all just so confusing. We had our first ultrasound at 9 weeks 2 days. Baby G's heartbeat was SUPER strong at 162 beats per minute. The ultrasound technician said that according to Baby G's size, he/she was measuring at 8 weeks 4 days. They weren't going to change our due date because it was close enough to the same date as my last period. When we had our ultrasound on Friday and found out Baby G had passed, he/she was only measuring at 8 weeks 1 day. So, we're assuming that everything happened right after our first ultrasound. Technically we are still pregnant at 13 weeks 3 days right now.

That leads us to needing to get everything taken care of. I didn't realize how involved a D & C was. I'll have to have anesthesia. This is a real surgery and I've never had any kind of surgery at all. 

It's really hard knowing that Baby G won't be with us any more after tomorrow at 3:30. Please keep me in your prayers that everything goes well and that physical recovery is minimal. 

                                              Sometimes love is for a moment.
                                              Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
                                              Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

This is so beautiful

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part." 

Monday, September 5, 2011

Baby G is in Heaven

Hey friends and family.

Just want to let everyone know that we had an ultrasound last Friday at our specialist's. There was no heartbeat. The doctor said that it looked like the baby had passed 3 or 4 weeks ago which would have been right after our first ultrasound.

There are some things that we have to take care of this week. We just need your prayers and support right now. Mark and I are doing about as well as can be expected and we are obviously devastated.

We do ask for a little bit of space right now. We don't know enough details to be able to talk about this whole situation quite yet. We will hopefully know more later and will share more details when we are ready.

Please pray for us and our perfect, beautiful Baby G.